November 5th

There is a Native American quote that says, "There is no death, only a change of worlds."

It's always hard around this time of year, being so close to the holidays, but I think it's twice as bad this year since it's the first year without her. Not only for today, but the day twenty days from now that marks the day she died, and the holidays in general. My grandma always taught me that lipstick is a must for any special occasion, that the serving of vanilla when baking is a suggested starting point and that no matter what, life is way better when you have friends and family to share it with.

Papa taught me that mischief is a necessary ingredient for life, that sometimes it's better to make others happy instead of yourself and to appreciate what's around you before it's gone, and that was a lesson from beyond the grave... I miss their voices and laughs, their  habits and endless love and support.

I'll always miss them no matter what day it is. But I always thought it was so bizarre that my mom's dad and my dad's mom would share the same birthday (different years). And for some reason the weeks leading up to November 5th have been very hard. Just considering all the things that have been accomplished, and all that's before us; my sister is graduating from high school and moving on to college, I just officially declared my major at UCD about a week ago. These are the things that overwhelm me now, but I've also been thinking about the inevitable end and questionable point to life. I wonder if they died happy and proud or empty and regretful...Why are we given a life and free will, filled with decisions and experiences, for it to end and for you to be ripped away from everything and everyone you love and eventually forgotten...? Maybe it's the fact that I turned my back on my religious upbringing and consider myself to be in a perpetual state of cynical questioning, but sometimes I really don't get it. It's probably just me realizing that two of the best people I've ever known are gone and I will never be able to completely understand or explain how much I owe them and what they meant to me. Like most things, as you might have guessed, it's better if I just don't think about it.

I took them for granted. I wish I had known what was right in front of me before it was gone. But that to me is an important lesson in this life: experience and regrets teach you that regret is, in fact, useless and accomplishes nothing except that you have to learn from your mistakes and appreciate what's around you. It's not even really my "regrets" that eat me up so much today, but just the general feeling of missing someone and knowing that they're gone forever. I think this Thankgiving I'll be thankful for the people I have around me, for however long.