Just like everyone else, I love this time of year. But I absolutely hate the month of April. It seems like every year without fail something awful happens during the month of April for my family. This year, while going through the usual, annual April motions, I thought we were in the clear. It happens occasionally, nothing happens but it still manages to be a crummy time of year. While everyone is busy planting gardens, planning summer trips and finishing up their semesters, I spend April feeling these same happy, sometimes stressful feelings as well as an unshakable sad emptiness.
My wonderful grandfather died in April of 2005 of terminal lung cancer. And while losing him, the amazing, silly, life loving person and patriarch of the family was devastating, I've never experienced anything harder than watching him suffer a slow painful fight and eventual death to a horribly debilitating disease. And I've always said since that if I never have to go through that again I will consider myself incredibly lucky. I still remember him and think of him often. In fact, all these years later, my grandmother's answering machine is
still his voice and it would be a complete lie to say that I don't call
her condo when she's out of town, just to hear his voice. He was a wonderful person with an incredible personality, the type of person that you're not really sure where to start when explaining what he was like to someone and in the end, finding yourself feeling sorry for them for not knowing him... His favorite things included old westerns with John Wayne, coffee, playing golf, feeding the birds from the terrace and smoking Marlboro reds. I know there are so many other things to be said, but if I took the time to list them, I would soon be going to the doctor about carpal tunnel. I only wish I had a picture that I could share here with you all.
For the longest time after he died, I believed that I was literally witnessing the good of the world die with him. After recovering from that and a very difficult chapter of my life that particular viewpoint softened. But sometimes, especially after a long day at work, I find myself thinking this yet again. And this is why I hate April. I'm not sure what it is with the month of April... An increase in full moons, or just a unique lunar schedule? The spring solstice? (I realize this happens at the end of March, but you get my point) For some reason it seems like the worst parts of people come out and show themselves in the worst ways during April.
Last year around March/April, my oldest friend and I parted ways and while it was a necessary chapter of my life, I never would've wished for an experience of that kind for anyone I cared about. But of course, my wishes could not stop the effects of this dreary, awful month. And this year it was my sister's turn. She had made friends with a girl at her school and though they had their share of ups and downs they really seemed to have a lasting friendship. My sister did everything for this friend and their friendship to only have pieces of her wardrobe go missing and receive no support on anything from this friend. I realize that her (my sister's friend) life is much different and much more difficult than my sister's, but they managed to be nothing less than best friends for at least a year, only to be brought to an end because of her resentment and insecurities.
C'est la vie. After watching Mady cry for 2 days and trying to come up with a suitable answer as to why someone would do this, why April sucks so much and how to possibly console and make her feel better, I still have no sufficient answer to these questions. Except to say that friends are like the weather, cyclical, always-changing, especially in high school.
I would take all the suffering this month could dish out for myself before watching my sister be hurt the way she was.
Hoping for better things to come during May and the rest of the year...Good-bye, April.
I would take all the suffering this month could dish out for myself before watching my sister be hurt the way she was.
Hoping for better things to come during May and the rest of the year...Good-bye, April.
