So it goes

I got a night where I needed a break from homework to finally toss this gem out into the cyber universe, enjoy!

It's not that I don't enjoy a good discussion with an idiot every once in a while...obviously it has its pros and cons, it's just I actually value my time (I know-the irony, right?). But it always opens your eyes to the fact that just when you think you're at your lowest point, there's always further rungs on the ladder of humanity you can sink to. And since this is my blog, which I'm not going to delete any time soon, I am going to monitor and protect it a little better. I am going to continue to post to it-and whether that's one post a day forever or the next post not coming about for another 6 months is something I can't decide and quite frankly, is no ones fucking business. That goes for the subject matter of the posts as well: happy/sad, celebratory/whiny, good/bad/ugly, etc. I'm entitled to write whatever I want and to make this decision and whatever measures I need to for it to happen. And I don't have to consider anyone or their feelings. I'm not apologizing for the things I said or even the way I said them. The only thing at this point I can think of that I should apologize for is that this happened, that I didn't do this from the beginning and that I let the opinions of some loser corrupt and taint my blog (that I don't really even use anymore). I knew when I started this blog about a year ago that there was potential for this to happen; That some dumb, shallow, egotistical termite would find it and make rude, pitiful observations about it and me as if he knew everything there was to know because he or she took the time to read a handful of my posts. I'm sure that type of thinking will take someone far, but I can only make this observation from the disgusting comments left by someone of this variety... Pride is a dangerous mechanism of the human psyche, so it goes.

I knew that it was a valid possibility, I just didn't care. I don't care what anyone thinks of me, especially some shallow, pathetic stranger on the Internet. If I did, the blog wouldn't exist and quite frankly my very existence would be questionable. It's people like this that are the reason suicide and depression are epidemics as a result of bullying and at the end of the day it's just sad. And you can sit there with your bs excuses and say you're the "strongest and fittest of the species" because you're an asshole, but to me, showing compassion and empathy and even offering to help anyone makes you stronger to the moon and back by comparison. It's sad there are people out there who think they're the prime specimens of society yet all they do is waste their lives on the Internet trolling blogs and criticizing and tearing them and their authors down. You read something that's really personal to someone and just because it doesn't mean anything to you, your response is to say something about it that's really hurtful for no other reason that to inflate your already enormous ego, feel pathetically superior next to a complete stranger and not even move on after, but continue. I honestly can't decide which part of that series of events is the worst... I'm not sure what your motive is to bully a stranger on the Internet but if it has anything to do with thinking that what you say is going to affect someone you are arrogant and disgraceful and you should be ashamed of yourself. Obviously it's ironic that I've taken the time for just that, but you will never hear or read me tell anyone that they "should ask their parents for a postpartum abortion" or anything of the like. And that's the difference.

I might be out of shape (fat, as you put it-ill be the first person to admit it), and lead the not-so-glamorous life of a broke college student, but at least I have everything I need in the people around me: a sister who is everything and more that a sister and a best friend could be, a wonderful boyfriend who before and beyond anything is the best friend who tore down all my walls as if they weren't there at all and does more for me than anyone should, a roommate and best friend who pales all others by comparison, not to mention awesome parents, friends (including 2 more best friends), family, and co-workers. My life is about adventures. It's about being with the people around me for however long I'm privileged and making the most of my time. It may not seem like a lot to you but at the end of the day, you're not involved and your opinion is not warranted or even relevant, so f.o.d. Run along now, I'm sure that basement apartment in your parents house needs vacuuming and those people in the personal section on Craigslist are just dying to see a Photoshopped picture of you

Gasp! A picture I took on my road trip with my boyfriend this summer to meet his parents. Eat your heart out.

All I know is...

Once upon a time I wanted to write a post that started something like this:
To the woman I work with, Mady, and anyone else who has felt and/or expressed an envy for my general apathy about most anything and everything: please stop. Stop feeling envious of not having and expressing emotions. It's not an easy way to go through life despite how easy I may make it seem. It is something I have learned, trained and forced upon myself and my life as a shield and I assure you it is neither easy nor pleasant. At this point it is more of a bad habit I can't break, one that I am probably most ashamed of. I can say that I am a jaded, bitter, complicated, sarcastic, passive-aggressive shadow of a person, and there's nothing to envy.

That was as far as I got. And despite how painfully true it is, I've come to realize that it's part of who I am, along with many other things that a lot of people like and others dislike. And I'm not about to sit here and pick them all apart and try to defend myself. I don't feel like I owe an explanation for the things I do and the decisions I make. Not even to my disapproving family. It's my life and while I would prefer they leave me alone to make my mistakes, fight my battles, and conquer oh so many hurdles (many of which they seem to be the subject of) I know that that's a wish not even a shooting star or a million dollars could realize for me. At the end of the day they're going to do and say and think and believe what they want while also restricting that same luxury from me and everyone around them because that's their form of "caring". That back seat, behind your back, facebook burning, hypocritical, let's break out the wine and pretend we can hide how we feel in the laughing and sarcasm that follows-type of caring.
And in the center of the stage is me and my life trying to put everything somewhere I can hide it and quietly try to decide whether it's the shame or the betrayal that hurts more. Eventually realizing that while they think they know me and my life, they don't even know the first thing about me. I've grown up a lot in the last year or so and in the growing up I've grown away and it's a beautiful but difficult thing. I've learned to become my own person and in that endeavor who I am is someone my family can't seem to accept. And everyone but my family, has said things (in varying forms of language) like "if you're happy, what difference does it make?" or "as long as you're happy" and I always think about this scene from "Little Miss Sunshine"...

I feel like I won the lottery with the way things are. I wouldn't change anything and while I sometimes wish terribly I could bring my family into my life, I know deep down they would criticize literally everything and put down every detail that makes it what it is and what I love. I always think of myself and tell other people that I'm the black sheep in my family and I wonder if the reason they don't like my life is because they don't like me... All I know is, things change, and at this point they'll never be the same. And despite how apathetic I am to nearly everything, I'm having a really hard time dealing with how my happiness makes a lot of people miserable.

Maybe it's the timing, it is April after all. I'm pretty sure I will be driving up to Red Rocks by myself on the 17th just for the occasion and then partying all weekend to celebrate the birthdays of two of my favorite people who are huge pieces of my life as it is now and as I hope it stays for as long as possible.

My discovery in Flagler Beach, FL.

 It's not a secret when I say that I love Florida. In fact, I think it's one of the few things about me that is widely known and accepted. And only because it's incredibly true and impossible to deny.After all these years, we have our usual spots and places like everyone everywhere, it's hard to divert once you have habits and a routine. But this trip, on our customary trip to the beach (which also happened to be my birthday :P), we stumbled across something new (to us), exciting and rather beautiful in its own way. We found this awesome huge pier at a busy intersection that we needed to get home. Armed with curiosity, time and a sense of adventure, we parked and checked it out.
What we found was a lot of people fishing on the pier, people surfing in the water below, birds everywhere and unexpectedly, memories and moments carved into the boards of the pier itself. At first, they seemed to have a depressing connotation, and be almost solely about death and love cut short, but as you wander and continue to read, there are proposals, birthdays and a deep sense of poignancy I have not encountered before. Literally everything from "goodbyes" to "I love yous" to personal messages about fishing and surfing and sunshine and the pier itself. My sister and I have discussed going back there just to read them. My dad would go back in heartbeat...to fish. But to me, it doesn't matter what you do there, the feeling of peace is undeniable, and I would go back just for that.

I am not an emotional person. At all. Ever. My sister jokes (at least I think she's joking) that I don't have a heart. Of course, that's coming from someone who cries at literally anything and everything... But I found myself getting emotional while reading these carvings; sometimes laughing, sometimes getting a little teary eyed. Especially at this one:

The fact that it says "keep on truckin'" really gets to me. My grandfather drove semis almost all his life, and being there I was forced to think of him and the other people who have passed away. But him especially. He always surfaces in my mind whenever I find myself in a situation like that. Always. And I couldn't help but feel like he would have really liked that pier.

These are pictures of the surfers I got...