To the woman I work with, Mady, and anyone else who has felt and/or expressed an envy for my general apathy about most anything and everything: please stop. Stop feeling envious of not having and expressing emotions. It's not an easy way to go through life despite how easy I may make it seem. It is something I have learned, trained and forced upon myself and my life as a shield and I assure you it is neither easy nor pleasant. At this point it is more of a bad habit I can't break, one that I am probably most ashamed of. I can say that I am a jaded, bitter, complicated, sarcastic, passive-aggressive shadow of a person, and there's nothing to envy.
That was as far as I got. And despite how painfully true it is, I've come to realize that it's part of who I am, along with many other things that a lot of people like and others dislike. And I'm not about to sit here and pick them all apart and try to defend myself. I don't feel like I owe an explanation for the things I do and the decisions I make. Not even to my disapproving family. It's my life and while I would prefer they leave me alone to make my mistakes, fight my battles, and conquer oh so many hurdles (many of which they seem to be the subject of) I know that that's a wish not even a shooting star or a million dollars could realize for me. At the end of the day they're going to do and say and think and believe what they want while also restricting that same luxury from me and everyone around them because that's their form of "caring". That back seat, behind your back, facebook burning, hypocritical, let's break out the wine and pretend we can hide how we feel in the laughing and sarcasm that follows-type of caring.
And in the center of the stage is me and my life trying to put everything somewhere I can hide it and quietly try to decide whether it's the shame or the betrayal that hurts more. Eventually realizing that while they think they know me and my life, they don't even know the first thing about me. I've grown up a lot in the last year or so and in the growing up I've grown away and it's a beautiful but difficult thing. I've learned to become my own person and in that endeavor who I am is someone my family can't seem to accept. And everyone but my family, has said things (in varying forms of language) like "if you're happy, what difference does it make?" or "as long as you're happy" and I always think about this scene from "Little Miss Sunshine"...
I feel like I won the lottery with the way things are. I wouldn't change anything and while I sometimes wish terribly I could bring my family into my life, I know deep down they would criticize literally everything and put down every detail that makes it what it is and what I love. I always think of myself and tell other people that I'm the black sheep in my family and I wonder if the reason they don't like my life is because they don't like me... All I know is, things change, and at this point they'll never be the same. And despite how apathetic I am to nearly everything, I'm having a really hard time dealing with how my happiness makes a lot of people miserable.
Maybe it's the timing, it is April after all. I'm pretty sure I will be driving up to Red Rocks by myself on the 17th just for the occasion and then partying all weekend to celebrate the birthdays of two of my favorite people who are huge pieces of my life as it is now and as I hope it stays for as long as possible.
