Letting Go

A few months ago I wrote a post about a run-in with an old friend and a song. And while the song has not been tarnished or forgotten since, it might not have been as strongly a cure for my anxiety and confusion as I thought... The saga continues. 

Recently, as many things bewilder me in random yet similar ways, as usual, I am at the mercy of throwing random thoughts and questions into the cosmic void that is the internet and this blog to try to cope as best as I am capable. I was faced with another meeting with this same friend on what is literally the biggest day of the year in retail: Black Friday. How sensible it is that "fate" would bring him to the exact store where I've worked at for over 2 years and that I should pass him in the exact route I took from my area to the restroom. 
Fate: an awkward, teasing biotch. Of course, I then went for my cell phone, not far away and safe and sound in my locker, to text my sister and a friend I was sure would be awake at 1 in the morning (unlike my sister). 

You're probably thinking, ok...so? Here is my question, the reason for this post: Why can't people let things go? Why can't the past stay in the past? And on another, but subtly similar note; what is the motive, the thought process that goes through someone's mind before creating a questionable, potentially hostile situation? 

Maybe it's due to the timing of recent events: the situation with the bully at work and now another public meeting with someone who I wish would just forget about me forever. But I just don't get it. It's in the past, leave it there, and move on. Is that really so complicated? Is it really so much for me to ask for or expect? All I want is to be grateful for the situations and experiences life brings me and leave them where they belong: in the past, in my memories and no where else. 

Mind you, I have no qualms or problems with reminiscing about something or someone, but not because I expect them to happen again, to see them again to feel or react the same ways, just because it's fun to remember things and people who are gone. But only to a point. People leave, change and in my case many times over, they die. And there's nothing you can do about it, except remember them, be grateful for the memories and lessons, hold onto them and move on.

I get that there's a period after someone leaves, or a fight or falling out, where one goes through a sadness, a period of missing someone and trying to move on and get used to being without this person. You come to realize that despite their absence, you'll always remember them good or bad, but they are gone. They have the same experiences and memories as you, which is a comfort, but it doesn't change anything. Let it go. Move on. Not for them, but for you. You deserve a new start as much as them. You owe it to yourself to cut your losses and learn from them. And that's it. 

...

The other part of this post is about shoplifting. Why do people do it? What part of it seems like a good idea? You MIGHT get away with it. But, on the chance that you don't, you get a red mark forever on your background check, which could be seen by anyone from your neighbor to a potential employer. Besides which, you'll most likely have to deal with the police and be banned from the store you just tried to steal from... What part of any of that seems redeeming? And what could possibly be worth going through all that for? You'd think people would just see it for what it is: there are no redeeming qualities that make it a worthy hobby and if you're successful, your theft raises the prices of merchandise for the rest of us in what is already a terrible economy. Of course, why would a shoplifter be considerate enough to think about anyone but themselves, but it's a legitimate fact of what they do...

Anyway, someone needs to explain it to me because I don't get it. Honestly, I hadn't thought about it that much until I started working at a department store where I was asked to be a witness for a shoplifting apprehension. Which was neither pleasant nor exciting. I had to sit in a room and listen to a girl my sister's age apologize, cry hysterically and beg for mercy regarding calling the police and her mother. All over a pair of sunglasses.

Mom, Dad and Churchill

I would like it to be known here that until recently, I've never had any face-to-face problems with people I work with; associates, supervisors, managers, etc. Ever. Lately however, I've had the misfortune of butting heads with 2 people I work with at once; and one was in a managerial position (thankfully she was just temporary).
The  other person is not temporary, and for some reason insists on creating more tension and conflict between us than there already is. Fortunately, I don't have to work with her very often-but when I do there's always a very thick and obvious tension because she knows I'm not very fond of her. Any other person would just get over it, realize you can't please/be friends with everyone and move on (which I am more than willing to do). She is obviously unfamiliar with this concept...
I had contradictory views on conflict and how to deal with it as a kid. My dad always taught us to be the bigger person and live and let live while my mom tried to teach us to stick up for and defend ourselves if and whenever possible using logic and strong word choice.
I had the unlucky chance of working with her recently and, as history is doomed to repeat itself, she confronted me-more like cornered me in a small room; about why I don't like her/don't want to be her friend/am not nice to her, blah blah blah. But this time, she told me she heard why, and was equipped with surprisingly accurate information. Lucky for her that we share friends and acquaintances in what has suddenly become a much smaller place to me. Anyway, while she was cornering and berating me with stupid and obscure questions and excuses, the only thing I kept thinking is, "Seriously, who cares? Why do you care so much? What difference does it make what I think of you?" And still, I don't get it.

I love and completely agree with this quote. Having friends is great; especially if you have several different types of friends and personalities and ideas to surround yourself with. I'll be the absolute first person to admit how awesome having friends is. I don't know where or who I would be or what I would do had it not been for my friends, past and present. But enemies... having enemies is great too. It teaches you that not everyone is going to think the sun shines out your ass, laugh at your jokes or even agree with you on most anything. It's a crucial lesson to anyone. The point of being human and having a free will is that you're entitled to your beliefs and opinions as much as anyone else, and that basic principle is a recipe for disaster; making mistakes, climbing hurdles, growing up and moving on.  Why would you want to be friends with everyone you meet anyway? That seems exhausting...and pointless...
I've wasted whatever time and energy against my will in a stupid confrontation that didn't even accomplish anything. So now I've decided to take dad's advice; if and when she confronts me again, I'm not going to answer her. I'm not even going to look at her. What's the point in trying to defend myself against someone who so vehemently and ignorantly believes that she's right and didn't do anything wrong: the very base of this exact conflict... Messy, cyclical, laughable. There's no point. She's never going to believe what I'm saying even happened, let alone has any merit. So I'm gonna let her have her flawless fantasy, and not even give her the time of day.
I can't speak for the possibility in the distant future if I have to resort to involving management, but let's hope that she somehow acquires the ability to take a hint and grow up...

November 5th

There is a Native American quote that says, "There is no death, only a change of worlds."

It's always hard around this time of year, being so close to the holidays, but I think it's twice as bad this year since it's the first year without her. Not only for today, but the day twenty days from now that marks the day she died, and the holidays in general. My grandma always taught me that lipstick is a must for any special occasion, that the serving of vanilla when baking is a suggested starting point and that no matter what, life is way better when you have friends and family to share it with.

Papa taught me that mischief is a necessary ingredient for life, that sometimes it's better to make others happy instead of yourself and to appreciate what's around you before it's gone, and that was a lesson from beyond the grave... I miss their voices and laughs, their  habits and endless love and support.

I'll always miss them no matter what day it is. But I always thought it was so bizarre that my mom's dad and my dad's mom would share the same birthday (different years). And for some reason the weeks leading up to November 5th have been very hard. Just considering all the things that have been accomplished, and all that's before us; my sister is graduating from high school and moving on to college, I just officially declared my major at UCD about a week ago. These are the things that overwhelm me now, but I've also been thinking about the inevitable end and questionable point to life. I wonder if they died happy and proud or empty and regretful...Why are we given a life and free will, filled with decisions and experiences, for it to end and for you to be ripped away from everything and everyone you love and eventually forgotten...? Maybe it's the fact that I turned my back on my religious upbringing and consider myself to be in a perpetual state of cynical questioning, but sometimes I really don't get it. It's probably just me realizing that two of the best people I've ever known are gone and I will never be able to completely understand or explain how much I owe them and what they meant to me. Like most things, as you might have guessed, it's better if I just don't think about it.

I took them for granted. I wish I had known what was right in front of me before it was gone. But that to me is an important lesson in this life: experience and regrets teach you that regret is, in fact, useless and accomplishes nothing except that you have to learn from your mistakes and appreciate what's around you. It's not even really my "regrets" that eat me up so much today, but just the general feeling of missing someone and knowing that they're gone forever. I think this Thankgiving I'll be thankful for the people I have around me, for however long.