Letting Go

A few months ago I wrote a post about a run-in with an old friend and a song. And while the song has not been tarnished or forgotten since, it might not have been as strongly a cure for my anxiety and confusion as I thought... The saga continues. 

Recently, as many things bewilder me in random yet similar ways, as usual, I am at the mercy of throwing random thoughts and questions into the cosmic void that is the internet and this blog to try to cope as best as I am capable. I was faced with another meeting with this same friend on what is literally the biggest day of the year in retail: Black Friday. How sensible it is that "fate" would bring him to the exact store where I've worked at for over 2 years and that I should pass him in the exact route I took from my area to the restroom. 
Fate: an awkward, teasing biotch. Of course, I then went for my cell phone, not far away and safe and sound in my locker, to text my sister and a friend I was sure would be awake at 1 in the morning (unlike my sister). 

You're probably thinking, ok...so? Here is my question, the reason for this post: Why can't people let things go? Why can't the past stay in the past? And on another, but subtly similar note; what is the motive, the thought process that goes through someone's mind before creating a questionable, potentially hostile situation? 

Maybe it's due to the timing of recent events: the situation with the bully at work and now another public meeting with someone who I wish would just forget about me forever. But I just don't get it. It's in the past, leave it there, and move on. Is that really so complicated? Is it really so much for me to ask for or expect? All I want is to be grateful for the situations and experiences life brings me and leave them where they belong: in the past, in my memories and no where else. 

Mind you, I have no qualms or problems with reminiscing about something or someone, but not because I expect them to happen again, to see them again to feel or react the same ways, just because it's fun to remember things and people who are gone. But only to a point. People leave, change and in my case many times over, they die. And there's nothing you can do about it, except remember them, be grateful for the memories and lessons, hold onto them and move on.

I get that there's a period after someone leaves, or a fight or falling out, where one goes through a sadness, a period of missing someone and trying to move on and get used to being without this person. You come to realize that despite their absence, you'll always remember them good or bad, but they are gone. They have the same experiences and memories as you, which is a comfort, but it doesn't change anything. Let it go. Move on. Not for them, but for you. You deserve a new start as much as them. You owe it to yourself to cut your losses and learn from them. And that's it. 

...

The other part of this post is about shoplifting. Why do people do it? What part of it seems like a good idea? You MIGHT get away with it. But, on the chance that you don't, you get a red mark forever on your background check, which could be seen by anyone from your neighbor to a potential employer. Besides which, you'll most likely have to deal with the police and be banned from the store you just tried to steal from... What part of any of that seems redeeming? And what could possibly be worth going through all that for? You'd think people would just see it for what it is: there are no redeeming qualities that make it a worthy hobby and if you're successful, your theft raises the prices of merchandise for the rest of us in what is already a terrible economy. Of course, why would a shoplifter be considerate enough to think about anyone but themselves, but it's a legitimate fact of what they do...

Anyway, someone needs to explain it to me because I don't get it. Honestly, I hadn't thought about it that much until I started working at a department store where I was asked to be a witness for a shoplifting apprehension. Which was neither pleasant nor exciting. I had to sit in a room and listen to a girl my sister's age apologize, cry hysterically and beg for mercy regarding calling the police and her mother. All over a pair of sunglasses.

Mom, Dad and Churchill

I would like it to be known here that until recently, I've never had any face-to-face problems with people I work with; associates, supervisors, managers, etc. Ever. Lately however, I've had the misfortune of butting heads with 2 people I work with at once; and one was in a managerial position (thankfully she was just temporary).
The  other person is not temporary, and for some reason insists on creating more tension and conflict between us than there already is. Fortunately, I don't have to work with her very often-but when I do there's always a very thick and obvious tension because she knows I'm not very fond of her. Any other person would just get over it, realize you can't please/be friends with everyone and move on (which I am more than willing to do). She is obviously unfamiliar with this concept...
I had contradictory views on conflict and how to deal with it as a kid. My dad always taught us to be the bigger person and live and let live while my mom tried to teach us to stick up for and defend ourselves if and whenever possible using logic and strong word choice.
I had the unlucky chance of working with her recently and, as history is doomed to repeat itself, she confronted me-more like cornered me in a small room; about why I don't like her/don't want to be her friend/am not nice to her, blah blah blah. But this time, she told me she heard why, and was equipped with surprisingly accurate information. Lucky for her that we share friends and acquaintances in what has suddenly become a much smaller place to me. Anyway, while she was cornering and berating me with stupid and obscure questions and excuses, the only thing I kept thinking is, "Seriously, who cares? Why do you care so much? What difference does it make what I think of you?" And still, I don't get it.

I love and completely agree with this quote. Having friends is great; especially if you have several different types of friends and personalities and ideas to surround yourself with. I'll be the absolute first person to admit how awesome having friends is. I don't know where or who I would be or what I would do had it not been for my friends, past and present. But enemies... having enemies is great too. It teaches you that not everyone is going to think the sun shines out your ass, laugh at your jokes or even agree with you on most anything. It's a crucial lesson to anyone. The point of being human and having a free will is that you're entitled to your beliefs and opinions as much as anyone else, and that basic principle is a recipe for disaster; making mistakes, climbing hurdles, growing up and moving on.  Why would you want to be friends with everyone you meet anyway? That seems exhausting...and pointless...
I've wasted whatever time and energy against my will in a stupid confrontation that didn't even accomplish anything. So now I've decided to take dad's advice; if and when she confronts me again, I'm not going to answer her. I'm not even going to look at her. What's the point in trying to defend myself against someone who so vehemently and ignorantly believes that she's right and didn't do anything wrong: the very base of this exact conflict... Messy, cyclical, laughable. There's no point. She's never going to believe what I'm saying even happened, let alone has any merit. So I'm gonna let her have her flawless fantasy, and not even give her the time of day.
I can't speak for the possibility in the distant future if I have to resort to involving management, but let's hope that she somehow acquires the ability to take a hint and grow up...

November 5th

There is a Native American quote that says, "There is no death, only a change of worlds."

It's always hard around this time of year, being so close to the holidays, but I think it's twice as bad this year since it's the first year without her. Not only for today, but the day twenty days from now that marks the day she died, and the holidays in general. My grandma always taught me that lipstick is a must for any special occasion, that the serving of vanilla when baking is a suggested starting point and that no matter what, life is way better when you have friends and family to share it with.

Papa taught me that mischief is a necessary ingredient for life, that sometimes it's better to make others happy instead of yourself and to appreciate what's around you before it's gone, and that was a lesson from beyond the grave... I miss their voices and laughs, their  habits and endless love and support.

I'll always miss them no matter what day it is. But I always thought it was so bizarre that my mom's dad and my dad's mom would share the same birthday (different years). And for some reason the weeks leading up to November 5th have been very hard. Just considering all the things that have been accomplished, and all that's before us; my sister is graduating from high school and moving on to college, I just officially declared my major at UCD about a week ago. These are the things that overwhelm me now, but I've also been thinking about the inevitable end and questionable point to life. I wonder if they died happy and proud or empty and regretful...Why are we given a life and free will, filled with decisions and experiences, for it to end and for you to be ripped away from everything and everyone you love and eventually forgotten...? Maybe it's the fact that I turned my back on my religious upbringing and consider myself to be in a perpetual state of cynical questioning, but sometimes I really don't get it. It's probably just me realizing that two of the best people I've ever known are gone and I will never be able to completely understand or explain how much I owe them and what they meant to me. Like most things, as you might have guessed, it's better if I just don't think about it.

I took them for granted. I wish I had known what was right in front of me before it was gone. But that to me is an important lesson in this life: experience and regrets teach you that regret is, in fact, useless and accomplishes nothing except that you have to learn from your mistakes and appreciate what's around you. It's not even really my "regrets" that eat me up so much today, but just the general feeling of missing someone and knowing that they're gone forever. I think this Thankgiving I'll be thankful for the people I have around me, for however long.

Live and let...

        My parents bought our house about 10 years ago and we moved to the suburbs rather happily. But within the last few years our next door neighbors, who moved in a couple years after we did, have made life on Otero Place rather annoying. Just for future reference, we live in a culdesac, and more specifically, we live at the back of the culdesac so we have easily the biggest driveway and probably the widest (not biggest) yard. It's also probably best to know that the house next door in which these neighbors reside has a pool in the backyard and a curved driveway.
        It's no secret that there are friends and family at our house rather often. One friend of the family is known pretty much as a personal handyman/mechanic and comes over and stays literally for hours. Years ago, he would come over and park "nose in" in front of our mailbox. He tries not to do that anymore because our neighbors sent us a letter-with pictures- telling us that we were blocking their driveway and if we would please consider parking somewhere else. First off, being a culdesac, parking space is pretty sparce in general, so if you come up with a spot, please point it out to me. Second, it's a public street. And third, it's on our side of the property line so why where we park is any of your concern is beyond me. Hear me out, I would feel a lot worse if we were blocking their driveway, but we aren't. The problem is that they park their cars on what is supposed to be their yard and feel they're entitled to more room than they are and for some reason, the more than enough space that their actual driveway provides is not enough...Seriously, a child could back their cars out of the driveway even with any of our cars parked nose in like that. I could probably do it blindfolded, just saying. I think my parents just had a nice chuckle about the letter and moved on. I heard the woman of their household came over and talked to my mom about it shortly after the letter was sent, but I could be wrong about that...
        Not too long after that, the base of their pool got a crack in it which could not be repaired, it needed to be replaced. The entire thing. So of course, they take this opportunity to remodel their yard. With a small tractor. This small tractor would leave grooves where they drove it in and out of their back yard through the front yard, while they dumped huge piles of dirt and debris and garbage in front of our yard where our friends would normally park their cars. Because, again, property lines mean nothing to these people and for some reason they're entitled to that spot, public street or not. And this pile of filth didn't just sit there for a day, a week or even a month. It was there for months. Even when the county came in to re-pave the neighborhood, they cleaned it up for like 24 hours so the street could be repaved and as soon as they could, they dumped it right back where it was. All the while as it sits there, neighborhood animals would use it as a bathroom and their kids would climb on it and play in it. Seriously! It was disgusting! So anyway, they've got huge grooves in their front yard, piles of dirt and debris in front of ours and a general lack of consideration for what they do or how it affects us. And my parents, okay, my dad believes in "live and let live" and "being the bigger person" blah blah blah. Eventually the dirt got moved the groves were replaced with cheap and unkempt sod, but only on the one side, the other side remained rocks and weeds. Naturally of course, since that's the side they park on and the side that the weeds creep over from into our yard.
        Going back to what I said about us having the biggest driveway; we have a 3-car garage and a side spot for a camper/boat/or in our case, a 1978 Jeep that might not even be running...So when I started driving, it was no problem, because there was a spot for my car, but when my sister started driving that was a-whole-'nother deal. The nose in street spot and her car became well acquainted. And now they get cozier because my dad bought yet another car because he got sick of paying for gas for the SUV he was driving to and from work (at like Peoria and Arapahoe) everyday; so to re-cap, that's 5 cars (not including the jeep). And even with all the driveway space in the world, that's a lot of wheels for four people. Luckily, we make it work and there's only one car on the street at any time (unless we have company).
         Here's an interesting side note: my dad's big investment (besides the new car-new to him, it's almost as old as I am), was executing the much needed remodel of our basement. So again, with handymen parking trucks and walking in and out of the house almost constantly, the driveway was pretty crowded. My mom decided to park her car in front of their and the person next to them's yards-parallel to the sidewalk where it curves a little. And right after that they started parking there. It was as if they didn't realize that they could park there. Ah! Revelation! They really do have no idea where their property lines are, poor things. I thought it was a complex of entitlement, thank God that's not the case. Gag me.
        We didn't really hear anything more from them until preseason football this year: Broncos vs. Bears. My dad and sister are huge Jay Cutler fans, so of course we had to have a party with lots of food and some good friends, which naturally brings the parking situation into question. I was working that night, but would be home eventually and in enough time to even catch some of the game. I came home that night looking forward to changing clothes, seeing friends and family, eating good food and just relaxing in general. My cousin was already parked in front of our yard, but she was far enough to one side that I could squeeze into the other side; you guessed it, their side. Their kids were standing outside and one of them runs inside to taddle on me and instead of just running inside and avoiding a confrontation, I wasn't fast enough. And they came to their door and yelled at me asking if I would move my car. All I said was "no" and walked inside. First off, I'm still on my side of the property line, it's a public street, and you don't have any more respect for me or the situation than to yell at me from your front door like the hicks ya'll are? Seriously? Nope. If they had handled it differently I might've considered it, but I was too tired and too excited to go home to be bothered with the whiny children next door. So I go inside, go straight to my room and change and then walk downstairs and tell my mom the whole story in front of everyone. My dad was outside, and when I found him and told him, hell broke loose ya'll. My dad is cool with whatever, until you mess with me or my sister. Fact. He was almost without a voice by the end of the night from screaming threats and obscenities at the neighbors house. It was pretty funny, actually. And luckily was not responded with police or even another letter.
        Shortly after that, as if you couldn't tell, these people are by no means "intellectuals", and they hit their mailbox with one of their cars while backing out of their "driveway"- it's actually their yard. And instead of fixing it properly, they take two small pieces of wood and screw one end into their mailbox and the other into ours. So now not only are we their crutch but we're forever associated with their mistake, lack of a brain stem, laziness, etc. How neighborly.

 Property line is pretty clear to me.

        My sister came out to her car yesterday to a lovely, anonymous letter claiming that the author was a member of the board of the HOA, riddled with ridiculous accusations, threats and more than the occasional misspelled word and grammar error... It said that parking nose into the culdesac was illegal and against HOA standards, it is in fact, neither. It also said that our yard is in disrepair and that we leave our garbage on the sidewalk outside our house for more than 24 hours both are against HOA standards, and both are also not true. Even with the busy household that we have, the only way garbage would be out that long would be the fault of the garbage men, and it happens, but only rarely. And my dad spent a lot of money this spring to have a huge patch of our front yard re-done because the weeds from the neighbors unkempt yard/driveway completely destroyed it (I'm going to attach pictures below of my dad's beautiful yard, and the way we park our cars so you can see it for yourself). It goes on to say that we have "48 hours to fix these problems before the cops are called and we're served a fine or a tow" or whatever (I'm paraphrasing). First of all, one member of the HOA board would not break free individually or anonymously and leave a letter folded up and water damaged on my sister's wind sheild at 6:30 in the morning. In fact their first move is a phone call then a letter with a 7 days time limit to correct whatever the problem may be. Second, it's a public street, and my mom called the sheriff's office to make sure and she read the HOA guidelines and it is not illegal in either form to park your car the way my sister's been parking her car and friends and family have been parking their cars for the last 10 years. And lastly, 48 hours? That's a Saturday. I'm going to the store now, to get popcorn, because I CAN'T WAIT to see the look on the cop's face when you tell him that he's here to give us a ticket/tow our car for something that is perfectly legal on a SATURDAY, no less. I sincerely hope they do call the cops so that someone in an actual position of authority can tell them to grow up.
Our neighbors must think we're as stupid as they are that we would fall for yet another letter (sadly, without pictures, can't be too conspicuous, now can we?), and be stupid enough to take it seriously without double checking the facts. Good try though, bless their hearts.

FYI:

 It might be entertaining on some level, but there comes a point, where we gotta have some peace for the situation, and I genuinely hope the cops do come and tell them the not so secret truth. Life is unfair, sometimes your awesome neighbors have bigger driveways, lots of cars and lots of parties and friends, and there's nothing you can do about it; it's a public street and our property line. Live and let live or FUCK OFF. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, it makes me sad that these are people who vote and procreate, and there are more out there just like them. And that they don't have anything better to do with their pathetic lives than fret over the goings-on of our cars on a public street and send us pathetically hilarious and inaccurate letters about it. It's just sad. It might not have been so sad or hilarious had they done their research and not committed fraud, but it is what it is. And we're over it. And I honestly hope they don't try to approach me about it; the cops might be called for real because I'm not sure I can control what I would do or say in that situation...

These are the pictures of our yard that apparently is in disrepair and apparently needs work. Please let me know if you have any suggestions...I wish these pictures were better, but fall takes it's toll and really doesn't do it justice.

 This is the situation next door. Seriously.

Decisions, decisions...

I feel like I'm in one of those times of life where years from now, I'll look back and feel compelled to write a letter to your younger self with reassurance and maybe a little advice. I've decided that I don't want to look back at my youth with shame or regret. This year could easily be described as one of the hardest, most stressful yet. But instead of looking at it that way and feeling negatively about it, I've decided that I'm going to do what I want now. No more worrying about what other people think or want. It's my life, and you're only young once. 
I honestly couldn't tell you what it was that caused me to have this change of heart. But I know that things happen that are out of your control, yet you still have to live with the effects. It's part of life. People make decisions on how to carry themselves and lead their lives and it affects other people however big or small, and you just have to pick up the pieces and move on. I don't know why this knowledge suddenly means more to me now than it ever has, but it does. 
I just know that things are the way they are for a reason, and the reason isn't necessarily always bad and it really isn't necessarily always something you can change or even control. So just deal. I took a good long look at the situations I've surrounded myself with and instead of being ashamed or sad about it as I so often am, I just said to myself, "yeah, so?" I might not be able to change the things that could need changing in the eyes of someone else right now, but just because things are slow and crappy now, doesn't mean that they'll always be. And instead of having a stress level that rivals my mothers, I decided I'm going to do what I want, (responsibly, of course) and have fun. So I'm going to keep my crappy-typical-college-student life (and the piano lessons) and try not to think about the fact that 20 years from now I could be married with children, or the world could end tonight...
 
The flip side that is incredibly hypocritical, is that since I would prefer that things move along faster rather than slower, I decided that instead of being a student forever, I'm only going to school for one major instead of two. It really wasn't even my impatience that made up my mind about it. At the end of the day, I had to ask myself whether or not it's really going to make a difference, am I honestly even going to use it? And the answer was almost never definitive and even less positive. 
It sucks because I really like Spanish. And I'm pretty good at it (at least I like to think I am) since I took it all four years of high school and four semesters of it in college. But I really had to ask myself whether or not it will have any relevance in my career, and I honestly don't think it will... And considering I was really only going to use it as a back-up plan in case of another economy crash, (in which case I would have to go back to school anyway for a teaching license and a refresher course) it stopped making sense to think that spending extra time and money getting a degree that will probably just sit on a shelf and collect dust would be beneficial in the long run. 

Honestly, if I had my way I would be majoring in Art History, believe it or not. But the way the economy is, and the nature of that particular field, there's no way I would actually do it. C'est la vie. We all have to open our eyes to what's really around us eventually, I suppose. Even though I've made up my mind to live my life the way people expect someone my age to, I gotta think about the major probability that the world isn't going to end today, tomorrow or within the foreseeable future and how I get through that time and the rest of my life reliably and happily, a complicated combination to say the least.

Mady and music

I've mentioned a few times in a few different posts that my sister takes it upon herself to "teach" me about music, because to her my music choices are inferior and nonsensical. We have similar music choices EXCEPT that I love the Beatles and Mady thinks they're overrated and a waste of time, I enjoy listening to some of Lady Gaga's musical contributions and random pieces of the music I grew up with that ranges from anything and everything from Neil Young to Britney Spears.
I think it's worth mentioning that my sister enjoys MANY of the same things that fall in this category; naturally, of course. What doesn't fall between Neil Young and Britney Spears? Not to mention that we have nearly identical childhoods. And yet, still my music taste is inferior to hers.
She's constantly discovering new music, and by new music I mean music that's new to her, not necessarily new to everyone or pop culture or whatever. This is something I've always admired about my sister. Her ability to continually branch out and discover new things and accept them if she feels they're worthy is something I lack at severely. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have Brand New, one of my favorite bands or about a thousand other songs or artists that she's found and then introduced me to.

Her newest discovery is the singer Jeff Buckley who she listens to literally 24/7 now. And after listening to his music, she decided she wanted to find out if and when he was touring and whether or not she could see him... Cue rampant and intense depression for nearly a week when she learned of his death and then virtually everything about him that there is to know. 
I'm not gonna lie, based on what she's told me, it seems like he was immensely interesting and...cool. It's really tragic that he died so young and mysteriously. His voice alone is captivating; you can hear him singing from his soul and with passion that I think is really rare nowadays. As if that wasn't enough, his songs are incredibly beautiful. I literally can not stop listening to his song "Lover, you should've come over" even though I can't figure out what it's about. 
*Don't let my personal bias fool you. He has many good songs.  

At the end of the day, my sister and I may have musical disagreements (along with many others), but I respect her opinions and I hope with every fiber of my being that she continues to "show me the errors of my ways" even if I have no intention of changing, but every willingness to "learn." 
I mean really, what other 17 year old girls favorite band is Led Zeppelin and discovers and falls in love with a singer whose been dead almost her entire life? If you show me another one like her, I'll introduce you to 100 17 year old girls who don't know what Led Zeppelin is, band or otherwise. I know she feels like she sometimes grew up in my shadow, but I can't tell you enough how individual she is or how much she amazes me.

Wake me up when September ends

I hate the beginning of September; several days that have a negative connotation. I can tell you that my sister and I have agreed that I need to stop being friends with people whose birthdays are in September because it never seems to end well. I think about these days resentfully and with a lot of stress before they happen and once they're here, and I realize the world's not going to end-or have any real affect on me at all-I can let out a sigh of relief and let my thoughts go back to whatever. 
At least until 9/11 which seems to be the end of these days, but in its own way, it may also be the worst. I can tell you that I don't remember very much about 9/11/01 except that my class wasn't allowed to listen to the news broadcasts on the radio and were forced instead to pretend it was a normal day, instead of a national tragedy. This, I think is why I still have a hard time dealing with what happened in New York all those years ago. I can't imagine what it must have been like to be a helpless civilian watching what may very well have been the end of the world. At the time, I think I was too young, and too uninformed to truly understand the gravity of what was happening. How do you explain to a ten year old what a terrorist attack is, what's happened and what it means for the future? Especially when it seemed like that last question was the one on everyone's mind...

When I heard that NBC didn't observe the moment of silence to remember 9/11, I was sad and disgusted. People still put out flags and observe D-Day which happened nearly 70 years ago, and a news network, of all things, can't observe a moment of silence for the worst terror attack in US history which happened a mere 11 years ago??? Seriously? Maybe it's just me, but it seems like 9/11 is a day for respect, no matter how many years have gone by, or what pop culture might find currently but temporarily important. 
I know I can already feel my cynical scrooge-ish version of myself coming out for the holidays, and I know this year is going to be especially hard because of the loss of my grandmother. Maybe I'm negatively biased to this situation, but it makes me nauseous and hate humanity and the looming holidays more than I normally already do.

10 for 10

I've been having problems coming up with an idea for a post lately. Especially with the Chik-fil-a post last month, and looking back at the summer as a whole I've been feeling really cynical and depressed. I mean really, the most stressful summer (possibly ever) both personally and generally; who could've expected that we'd have massive wild fires and a horribly tragic shooting within a few short months? 

So I came up with the idea to search the internet and find some inspiration. And as I expected, results soon followed. Pinterest did not fail me (as it rarely does) and offered this little gem:

Where do I start? I'm not gonna lie, this might not be the first time this paper is visited in my bloggery. Not a word, but it's done. By the way, while we're on the subject, what are "two smileys" (day nine) and am I the only one who doesn't know?
Anyway, I'm not sure where to start, so I'll just do the first one. I'm not going to name the people, but I hope they know who they are, even though a couple are for people who are deceased. They're all people who mean something right now, and these are the things I would like to say now no matter how things are or will be.

10 things I would like to say to 10 different people:

1. Thanks for always being there with an open ear and a ready willingness for a distracting pointless adventure. With everything we've been through and the many years we've been friends, I know I could count on you for anything. You're the best best friend anyone could ask for. I really owe you more than I could even begin to repay and words would always leave me short when expressing thanks for you and everything you do.

2. There's something about growing up with someone that allows you to become closer to them in ways that no one else could, or no one would understand (not that it could be explained). Obviously it doesn't matter anymore. You're never going to admit or even understand why I couldn't be around the little girl I used to consider a sister, who eventually became someone who found herself in the back of a cop car or in a court room for things that never should've happened and wouldn't have if the little girl hadn't tried to grow up too soon. I couldn't make you understand that, even though I would always be there, I would rather not have to be and you couldn't respect me or my family enough to try. That's really what it comes down to: I couldn't be there for you and a lifestyle I didn't support, and I could never count on you to be there for me (not that I ever gave you a reason to be). We grew apart. We moved on and you used me and our friendship against me, and it needed to stop. I hope you've found the person who could be all the things I wasn't, and I hope they take care of you. 

I miss you still, the person I grew up with who was more like another sister than just a friend, but I can't even say you're name without feeling like I've just said the foulest word there is. I told you not to respond, not just because I didn't want to hear your side-I'll admit, that was a small part of it- but it was mostly because when people stop being friends, communication stops. At least that's what I've heard, maybe I'm doing it wrong. But the point was that I thought you deserved an explanation, and I deserved the end. Two birds, one stone. I'm not sorry for the things I did or said, and I don't regret it. I would do it again tomorrow without so much as a breath of hesitation. I just hope, despite everything, that wherever life takes you; you find good friends, success in whatever you do and happiness always. 

3. Thank you for listening when I needed a mothers opinion, just not my mothers. Thanks for always being genuinely interested and assuring. It really helped me keep whatever bit of my sanity I have left.

4. You're awesome, and he's a jerk. Forget him and remember all the other people around you who care about you. 
I appreciate you and our friendship and how supportive, sympathetic and funny you are when I need it most, but don't know it. Thanks for letting me be myself and discover new things at the same time. I know you'll accomplish great things, even unintentionally. 

5. No, I don't regret it. Yes I still think about you (rarely and fleeting) and the way things were but things will never go back to being that way again. It's better this way, trust me. I don't miss you and I would bet serious money that you think that the last time we talked I lied. Which explains everything, in ways that I never could. Actions speak louder than words. By the way, Marilyn Monroe got it right: things fall apart so better things can fall together. Anyway; peace out, good life, etc.

6. It's true what they say, you know: you never really appreciate what you have until it's gone. I feel like I wasn't even old enough to understand how much you had to offer in wisdom, cooking, and a humble yet graceful classiness- like keeping in touch with like a bazillion people over a lifetime- until the last few years. And by then, between working and school I was lucky to get one weekend to come and see your radiantly loving face. I miss you, I still can't believe you're gone. I went to an antique mall the other day with mom and dad and found a make-up compact that looked like it came straight from your dresser. I almost couldn't hold back the emotions I felt in that trapped setting. I have a feeling I haven't even begun to feel how devastating losing you is. If I gain even an iota of your personality, wisdom, or capacity for love, I'll consider myself and my life an incredible success. I love you to pieces.

7. Growing up is hard but I want you to know that I'll be there for you (like the Bon Jovi song) if ever, whenever you need: disney marathon, Jenna Marbles reference, shoulder to cry on, tidal wave, whatever (you better get the movie reference). I know you're going to go out to do great things. But remember: A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. -George Bernard Shaw. You're going to make plenty of mistakes along the way, but that's part of life. I know that even when life seems to be you're biggest enemy, you'll find a way to find the cure for cancer and write a best-selling novel.

Keep teaching me about good music, but let me have the crappy stuff I love too. I will never ever be able to tell stories the way you do. I get lost retelling a knock, knock joke. You're everything I'm not, but you're also my best friend. You're my best friend, worst enemy, greatest adversary, sidekick, teacher, listener, and hero. You're the best. Seriously. The best. Don't ever ever forget that. Or I'll remind you- I will. I love you.

8. I really owe so much to you. You were the best coach in mischief, love and growing up: that even a losing game deserves a tight hug. You taught me so much about appreciating the people around you, without even physically being present. You also taught me life isn't fair but pride and humility are important, even if it doesn't seem like there's a lot to be proud of, and that humility is a complicated but necessary art to master. That respect is earned, letting your emotions surface is ok sometimes, and to never let your enemies see how much they really affect you. 
I wish you were still here, I miss you so much. There was so much more for you to give, but I'm certain we'll see each other again. Until then, I find you in the things around me like the smell of cigarettes and coffee, striped polo shirts, black arm tattoos, white side-burns, deep reclining armchairs, golf courses, Elvis Presley songs and John Wayne movies. xoxo

9. Where do I start? Seriously, is it just me, or does it seem like there's been more in the last few months than in all the time we've known each other? I could never be mad you, especially for something that isn't your fault. We've never fought in all the time we've known each other, and I don't have any plans of changing that. :) Let's keep the drinking and laughing thing going, ok? I really missed you while you were gone, please don't do that again (at least for a while).
P.S: I went home and realized your dog is like literally, just like you. Think about it.

10. Thank you for your patience, understanding and silliness. Oh, and the stickers. Thanks for the stickers. :) It's been great to have something I can distract myself with without judgement that I've always respected and wanted to learn. I wouldn't have been able to accomplish all the progress thus far without you and all the support you give me. Can't wait for more great lessons, impressive progress and gold star stickers.

(Probably) The most political post I'll write.

OK so I know my small opinion is not going to matter to very many people (if anyone), but I feel like I need to get this off my chest. So here goes: I find The Chick fil a controversy laughable. There, I said it.

At the end of the day, the First Amendment is there so that these situations can be brought up. And thank God for that. People have the right to say what they want despite whatever may come of it. 

 Despite the fact that I know that my opinion is going to be soon forgotten, I just want to say that I don't care what a person's sexuality is. I don't think it's fair to judge someone for something that's so deeply a part of them, it unchangeable. And by the same token, judging someone for who they are not only shows ignorance, but allows you to be judged as well. To me, the way I live my life and the decisions I make are no more anyone's business than it's my business who people want to marry or spend their spare time with in general. As far as I'm concerned, as long as you're a contributing member of society who isn't endangering anyone (namely small children), you could marry a rock if it's what you want. 

I grew up in Catholic school so I was taught the exact opposite of what I actually believe on most things. I was taught to believe in things that quite frankly, embarrass me today. Ignorance may be bliss but it's also a hindrance worse than blindness. I'm sorry if this offends anyone but it's how I feel. I'm not bashing anyone for their beliefs, I'm just saying there are always going to be people that do and say and believe things that you disagree with, it's part of life.

It's 2012 and people are getting upset because a Southern Baptist fast food chain that isn't even open on Sundays, shared a very predictable view on a controversial issue. They're probably pro-life too. I know, take a moment to get over your shock. It's too bad more CEOs don't come out and share their opinions so people can see the truth that obviously escapes them in their daily lives.

Despite my very strict and traditional upbringing, I haven't been to church in years, and I think the only thing that could make me go back is a funeral. I really don't think going to church makes you a good Christian, or even a good person. I stopped going because I had to separate myself from everything I wasn't anymore. I went to public school and felt my eyes open to the world around me and never wanted to live in a haze again. I don't consider myself to be a good person or a bad person for the things I've done or the decisions I've made. But I never felt closer to God or my faith (or whatever you want to call it) than when I was free to make my own decisions about it instead of having them shoved down my throat. 

If people want to boycott Chick fil a for being honest about their beliefs (something that is a tribute to their rights), that's their right as well and their business. But the judgement needs to stop. It's what's caused this problem from the beginning. You're telling me that you're mad at Chick-fil-a for expressing their views because it rivals yours? Seriously? It's just a never ending cycle of hypocrisy and judgement. At some point something's gotta give or we'll be in this same old barbaric trap forever.

7/20/12

It's taken me a few days to realize the gravity of what happened the night of July 20th, 2012.  Especially after aging my mom beyond anything else I've ever done: I went to that premiere but didn't tell her what theater I was at and she was watching tv as the story broke at 2:30 in the morning. It's a miracle she has her sanity and a full head of hair after worrying until 3:15 when I finally got back to my phone and returned her text and 8 missed calls. After getting off the phone and telling the friends I was with what happened, they texted/called their parents to let them know they were ok too and then we turned on the tv. A scene of terror and confusion met our eyes and overwhelmed us. The shock and nausea that followed seemed like a looming cloud for days.

I remember when Columbine happened but was too young to understand the true depth of it. Of course, I was old enough to understand when it was Virginia Tech, and found myself so interested in this particular phenomenon that I wrote a paper on it for my college English class. Even after all the research and the time I spent on that paper, I can honestly tell you I still don't understand why these things happen. It's completely unnecessary and senseless, and I'll never know what to say about it other than that it's a tragedy I can never pray enough that it never happens to me or someone I know or love.

It seems like no matter how tragic these things are they have an inexplicable way of bringing people and communities together. Not that this makes it acceptable or is supposed to be some sort of consolation. In all the hoping that something good would come of this, it seems like someone heard those prayers: Christian Bale visits victims of Aurora shooting, as well as the president's visit and the outpouring of support from around the city to the nurses, police officers and victims. 

As awful as shootings are, the human spirit has a way of mimicking a pheonix and rising out of the ashes and enduring. Hopefully the rest of the year gets better than the summer Colorado has had this year.

 

Here's something to make you laugh after the post that leaves me teary eyed and breathless:

 

BAT DOG!!!! 

AKA Bentley, the most adorable, grumpy-faced part of my summer.

 

Why am I the one

Recently, I had a confrontation with someone who I used to be very close to. And unexpectedly, right around the same time I discovered a new song that I find myself empathizing with wholeheartedly.

When I listen to this song, sometimes I feel like I'm the singer and then sometimes I feel like I'm the one the song is about. When I first heard it, it made me sad, but as I've listened to it more and more, it's made me realize that life is what you make it. Even though it's only been a week, I feel like had that awkward moment not happened, it would've taken me a lot longer to make this discovery. I wish I could thank the people that would otherwise be considered mistakes or wastes of time to make me and my life what it is today...

As my best friend's birthday approaches, I'm reminded of everything it took for her and I to still be best friends today. This song forces me to evaluate things the way they are now, and even though that seems to have a negative connotation to it, I promise it doesn't. I am so lucky to have a very good relationship with my sister, and two of the best friends anyone could ask for.

Despite everything that happened in the last year or so, I feel like I'm finally finding the way things should've been all along. And I have a feeling that while it's always subject to change, at least I know I have people who will support and understand me, even if it took a song, and a potentially negative moment to realize it.

"Or go on, go on, go on, if you were thinking that the worst is yet to come
Why am I the one always packing up my stuff
For once, for once, for once, I get the feeling that I'm right where I belong
Why am I the one always packing up my stuff"

A quiet July 4th, for good reason

I love the fourth of July. It's easily one of my favorite holidays, even as a kid it was a close second to Christmas and my birthday (which were naturally tied for first). It's a fantastic day in the middle of the summer filled with parades, barbeques and for us as kids, anything from sack races to carnival rides and of course lots and lots of fireworks. Even now as I type this I'm reminded of those sweet blissful childhood adventures on July 4th.  

This year, however, is going to be relatively quiet. We're not going to Nebraska or South Dakota to celebrate with family and all the wonderful things I listed above. And while I have a grocery bag (or two) hidden in my room and full of unused fireworks ready to go, I won't even be able to enjoy them because of the tragically devastating fires.

 

Trust me, if there's anyone who is bummed about a lack of pyrotechnics today, it's me. But it makes me sick to think that there are people praying they have a home to go to at the end of the day, every day for the nearly 3 weeks now, and people are complaining openly about not being able to light fireworks today. And this is only the Waldo Canyon fire in the pictures and video, there are about 10 others to worry about as well...

Incident	Type	Unit	Status	Acres	Updated
Pine Ridge	Wildfire	Grand Junction Field Office	Active	13920	07/04/12
Little Sand	Wildfire	San Juan National Forest	Active	24850	07/04/12
Waldo Canyon	Wildfire	Pike and San Isabel National Forests	Active	18247	07/04/12
Weber	Wildfire	San Juan National Forest	Active	10133	07/04/12
High Park	Wildfire	Arapaho & Roosevelt National Forests / Pawnee National Grassland	Active	87284	07/04/12
Treasure	Wildfire	Pike and San Isabel National Forests	Active	420	07/02/12
Lightner	Wildfire	San Juan Field Office	Active	90	07/01/12
Flagstaff	Wildfire	Colorado State Forest Service	Active	300	06/30/12
Springer	Wildfire	Pike and San Isabel National Forests	Active	1145	06/24/12
Sunrise Mine	Wildfire	Uncompahgre Field Office	Active	5742	06/07/12
Hewlett Fire	Wildfire	Arapaho & Roosevelt National Forests / Pawnee National Grassland	Active	7685	06/06/12

>>The information in this table was found here: http://www.inciweb.org/state/6/

I can't even imagine what it must be like to be told you're forced to evacuate your house because of a fire, and to grab the important things as fast as possible. I've thought about it a lot lately, but I still have no idea what I would grab... I know I would for sure get the quilt Lyla made me, the bear from my grandfather whose now deceased, and the bear that was my mom's as a child, the important papers I have in a portable chest, Oskar (my cat), my books and laptop, some clothes and maybe my keyboard and music if I could. But other than that... 

It's something I try not to spend too much time dwelling on, but with everything that's happened this summer, I really can't help it. I wish I could give a huge donation to the Red Cross for everything they're doing. And I really wish I could make the people who are upset about the lack of fireworks ogling find that there are other things that matter so much more than what happens after dark today. The fourth of July is meant to be a day of celebration for the freedom we have and a sense of patriotism, but to me, today should be an early Thanksgiving. 

Besides, fireworks can be easily replaced with the America's Funniest Home Videos marathon in your house, surrounded by the people you love. At least that's what I'm doing.

boyfriend wanted

I love pinterest. I'm not even sure if I'm ashamed of it. No, no I'm not. Anyway, while on pinterest I discovered this amazingness. Yes, it is what you think it is: Matthew Gray Gubler's blog post about his perfect woman. Too bad I fit very little of the criteria. But it's still adorable, and made me decide to do the exact same thing (no point in hiding it). So here goes...

boyfriend wanted

must love random adventures

pizza
star gazing

the smell of books and rain

and laughing

tall
handsome
with dark hair and eyes

preferred

tattoos and patience a plus

religious doubters or "non-believers"

cynics

sarcastic senses of humor

and good listeners read on

any similarity in look, mindset or fashion sense to

johnny depp

atticus finch

or bruce sprinsteen sincerely welcome

Must be tolerant of sleeping late

slightly reckless driving

disney movies  
the beach
dogs and cats
daydreaming

and classic rock music

i love surprises
have several nick names
am scared of the dark 
never drink alone
and always find time for fun

all I want is 

to hold someone’s hand
have a reason not to hate valentine’s day
and to never stop laughing

Books and bad habits

It's no secret that I love books and I'm proud of my continuously growing collection. My parents always had tons of books all over the house when I was growing up as a child,  and even now, there are stacks of books in their room along with full bookcases. And I never understood why since I loathed reading. It took me until I was old enough to figure out that I could read what I wanted, and not always what my teachers told me to, to realize that reading isn't so bad. And from there, it skyrocketed. 
I have an incredibly bad habit of spending copious amounts of time on websites like bookmooch and whichbook, most of the time, at the same time. Now, if you're not familiar with these sites; bookmooch is a website where you trade books with people all over the country, and if you so desire, the world. It's based on points, so the only money spent is on shipping. Whichbook, is a site I came across on stumbleupon and it allows you to search for books based on chosen criteria such as long or short, safe or disturbing, easy or demanding, etc.
FYI: It's rare when I've come across a book on whichbook that I previously heard or knew about. 
Anyway, usually my idea of the perfect day is sleeping in past noon and turning on the tv, listening to music and opening 2 tabs for bookmooch and whichbook and letting the day slip away "book hunting" as I call it. There are tons of books I found on whichbook that aren't available on bookmooch but I have them saved in my "wishlist" on bookmooch (I'm now up to 100 and counting). 
One thing about bookmooch that I love is that it links directly to amazon, and shows the current lowest prices of each book, as they depreciate with time. If I find a book that is particularly interesting, I have a hard time waiting for it to be found or available and jump immediately to amazon.
I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to getting books (practically for free) in the mail. There's just nothing like it. If I could sum it up, it would be that it's like Christmas year-round. Remember what being a kid and getting a new toy for no reason felt like? This is my sober adult equivalent. I have to say, I tend to find something's missing whenever I'm not getting books in the mail, the anticipation is so sweet. I liken it to the habits of a hoarder. I try to be a "glass half-full" type of person; I chew gum almost constantly and tell people I don't stop because, as far as I'm concerned, it could be cigarettes. And I'm not going to stop book hunting because, what's so bad about having a ton of books? In my opinion, an overflowing bookcase and stacks of books are a small price to pay for a "bad" habit.

My sister, my best friend

My sister is my best friend. There are people out there who probably find it rather cliche. I think that our closeness is possible because of our age difference (we're 4 years apart). She's my best friend so there are things that we know about each other that we would never tell anyone. But for the sake of bragging about my awesome sister/best friend/partner in crime/adventure accomplice, some general facts about Mady include; she cries at every sad movie ever, every time she sees it without fail, she LOVES Led Zeppelin to no end, she thoroughly enjoys SNL and movies with Adam Sandler and Will Ferrell as well as Sarah Dessen novels and people watching/judging at any and every possible moment.

Despite our friendship, we're still sisters; we have disagreements and we get on each others nerves. Mady is sometimes absolutely disgusted by my taste in music, and has set out to "educate" me about "real" music. It's a constant struggle. Mady will also tell you that I drive entirely too recklessly, that I am impossible to shop with and keep track of, and that we are now mortal enemies since I am a CU student and her dream is to go to CSU. Alas, these are the battles we face.

Yet, despite everything, we share the same sarcastic, sometimes cynical, extremely hypothetical sense of humor. We both enjoy extensive but pointless trips to Walmart which almost always end in bag-fulls of stuff we didn't intend on buying and don't need and always include jamming out to anything from RUN DMC to Cher. We also share a distinct love of reading and writing and the music we grew up with especially Fleetwood Mac, Elvis and Kenny Chesney.
Moral of the story is while "there's no place like home," there's nothing like having a best friend for life in a sister. We make each other laugh and we pick each other up and reassure each other in ways that only a sister or best friend can, and we know that no matter what we always have each other. I'm not sure what I would do or where I would be without her to keep my head on straight. And I don't say it nearly enough, but I'm thankful to have her in my life to be the best sister anyone could ask for. 

One of our favorite things to do in the summer is go to Film on the Rocks. So naturally, when we saw that The Notebook was on the schedule, we were...um... ecstatic beyond all reason? Yes, exactly. (We're also looking forward to Anchorman, which is easily one of our favorite movies, and we're having a hard time dealing with the fact that it's practically an entire month away. But I digress.) This is a picture of us at Red Rocks listening to the very awesome Dunwells and enjoying our favorite jolly ranchers (blue raspberry and green apple).

And miles to go before I sleep

Even with everything that's been going on in my perpetually complicated state, as always, I've managed to find some sense of normalcy complete with a routine (at least my definition of a routine). People always ask me the same questions: How's it going? How's the job hunt going? Are you taking any classes this summer? While I have a profound dislike for the first two questions (because you can never say anything but "fine" to the first one, and the second one always manages to bum me out), the third is one that I don't mind, simply because the answer is "NO!"

A lady I work with asked me today if I'm taking classes this summer, and as always I said "No, I just finished my degree, I'm transferring in the fall to another school." Delighted as anyone I've ever seen, she offered a buoyant "Congratulations" followed by, "Does anyone know? Does anyone here know? Did you celebrate it?" Casually, I said no. And to my great surprise, I found myself getting lectured about what a wonderful accomplishment it is to have gotten my Associate's and "how could I NOT celebrate it?" She then made me promise, with witnesses present, that I do something to celebrate my "wonderful" accomplishment; be it a short trip or material items. Looking into the pleading, unbelieving face of my extremely kind, wise and adorable co-worker, I tried to explain that I bought a new CU shirt (from work, of course) since I'm transferring to UCD, to make it official- at least to me. But it wasn't good enough. She scoffed at my shirt and wouldn't take anymore of my casual "It's no big deal" attitude until I finally promised that I would find something to consider a celebration, and tell her about it. Oh, and she even gave me a deadline: "You have all summer"... well played. 

The truth is, I thought for an entire 5 minutes about whether or not to have a party for my... graduation? continuation? and decided against it because I wasn't sure that I would have the time, money or energy. And even now I only mildly regret it. Because, at the end of the day, the day I finally get my Master's degree and accomplish all the things I want to for myself, will be the day worth celebrating. Until then, the days and steps run together, and my many goals pile up; but at the top of the list: enjoy summer. 

 

"But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep." -Robert Frost