10 for 10

I've been having problems coming up with an idea for a post lately. Especially with the Chik-fil-a post last month, and looking back at the summer as a whole I've been feeling really cynical and depressed. I mean really, the most stressful summer (possibly ever) both personally and generally; who could've expected that we'd have massive wild fires and a horribly tragic shooting within a few short months? 

So I came up with the idea to search the internet and find some inspiration. And as I expected, results soon followed. Pinterest did not fail me (as it rarely does) and offered this little gem:

Where do I start? I'm not gonna lie, this might not be the first time this paper is visited in my bloggery. Not a word, but it's done. By the way, while we're on the subject, what are "two smileys" (day nine) and am I the only one who doesn't know?
Anyway, I'm not sure where to start, so I'll just do the first one. I'm not going to name the people, but I hope they know who they are, even though a couple are for people who are deceased. They're all people who mean something right now, and these are the things I would like to say now no matter how things are or will be.

10 things I would like to say to 10 different people:

1. Thanks for always being there with an open ear and a ready willingness for a distracting pointless adventure. With everything we've been through and the many years we've been friends, I know I could count on you for anything. You're the best best friend anyone could ask for. I really owe you more than I could even begin to repay and words would always leave me short when expressing thanks for you and everything you do.

2. There's something about growing up with someone that allows you to become closer to them in ways that no one else could, or no one would understand (not that it could be explained). Obviously it doesn't matter anymore. You're never going to admit or even understand why I couldn't be around the little girl I used to consider a sister, who eventually became someone who found herself in the back of a cop car or in a court room for things that never should've happened and wouldn't have if the little girl hadn't tried to grow up too soon. I couldn't make you understand that, even though I would always be there, I would rather not have to be and you couldn't respect me or my family enough to try. That's really what it comes down to: I couldn't be there for you and a lifestyle I didn't support, and I could never count on you to be there for me (not that I ever gave you a reason to be). We grew apart. We moved on and you used me and our friendship against me, and it needed to stop. I hope you've found the person who could be all the things I wasn't, and I hope they take care of you. 

I miss you still, the person I grew up with who was more like another sister than just a friend, but I can't even say you're name without feeling like I've just said the foulest word there is. I told you not to respond, not just because I didn't want to hear your side-I'll admit, that was a small part of it- but it was mostly because when people stop being friends, communication stops. At least that's what I've heard, maybe I'm doing it wrong. But the point was that I thought you deserved an explanation, and I deserved the end. Two birds, one stone. I'm not sorry for the things I did or said, and I don't regret it. I would do it again tomorrow without so much as a breath of hesitation. I just hope, despite everything, that wherever life takes you; you find good friends, success in whatever you do and happiness always. 

3. Thank you for listening when I needed a mothers opinion, just not my mothers. Thanks for always being genuinely interested and assuring. It really helped me keep whatever bit of my sanity I have left.

4. You're awesome, and he's a jerk. Forget him and remember all the other people around you who care about you. 
I appreciate you and our friendship and how supportive, sympathetic and funny you are when I need it most, but don't know it. Thanks for letting me be myself and discover new things at the same time. I know you'll accomplish great things, even unintentionally. 

5. No, I don't regret it. Yes I still think about you (rarely and fleeting) and the way things were but things will never go back to being that way again. It's better this way, trust me. I don't miss you and I would bet serious money that you think that the last time we talked I lied. Which explains everything, in ways that I never could. Actions speak louder than words. By the way, Marilyn Monroe got it right: things fall apart so better things can fall together. Anyway; peace out, good life, etc.

6. It's true what they say, you know: you never really appreciate what you have until it's gone. I feel like I wasn't even old enough to understand how much you had to offer in wisdom, cooking, and a humble yet graceful classiness- like keeping in touch with like a bazillion people over a lifetime- until the last few years. And by then, between working and school I was lucky to get one weekend to come and see your radiantly loving face. I miss you, I still can't believe you're gone. I went to an antique mall the other day with mom and dad and found a make-up compact that looked like it came straight from your dresser. I almost couldn't hold back the emotions I felt in that trapped setting. I have a feeling I haven't even begun to feel how devastating losing you is. If I gain even an iota of your personality, wisdom, or capacity for love, I'll consider myself and my life an incredible success. I love you to pieces.

7. Growing up is hard but I want you to know that I'll be there for you (like the Bon Jovi song) if ever, whenever you need: disney marathon, Jenna Marbles reference, shoulder to cry on, tidal wave, whatever (you better get the movie reference). I know you're going to go out to do great things. But remember: A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. -George Bernard Shaw. You're going to make plenty of mistakes along the way, but that's part of life. I know that even when life seems to be you're biggest enemy, you'll find a way to find the cure for cancer and write a best-selling novel.

Keep teaching me about good music, but let me have the crappy stuff I love too. I will never ever be able to tell stories the way you do. I get lost retelling a knock, knock joke. You're everything I'm not, but you're also my best friend. You're my best friend, worst enemy, greatest adversary, sidekick, teacher, listener, and hero. You're the best. Seriously. The best. Don't ever ever forget that. Or I'll remind you- I will. I love you.

8. I really owe so much to you. You were the best coach in mischief, love and growing up: that even a losing game deserves a tight hug. You taught me so much about appreciating the people around you, without even physically being present. You also taught me life isn't fair but pride and humility are important, even if it doesn't seem like there's a lot to be proud of, and that humility is a complicated but necessary art to master. That respect is earned, letting your emotions surface is ok sometimes, and to never let your enemies see how much they really affect you. 
I wish you were still here, I miss you so much. There was so much more for you to give, but I'm certain we'll see each other again. Until then, I find you in the things around me like the smell of cigarettes and coffee, striped polo shirts, black arm tattoos, white side-burns, deep reclining armchairs, golf courses, Elvis Presley songs and John Wayne movies. xoxo

9. Where do I start? Seriously, is it just me, or does it seem like there's been more in the last few months than in all the time we've known each other? I could never be mad you, especially for something that isn't your fault. We've never fought in all the time we've known each other, and I don't have any plans of changing that. :) Let's keep the drinking and laughing thing going, ok? I really missed you while you were gone, please don't do that again (at least for a while).
P.S: I went home and realized your dog is like literally, just like you. Think about it.

10. Thank you for your patience, understanding and silliness. Oh, and the stickers. Thanks for the stickers. :) It's been great to have something I can distract myself with without judgement that I've always respected and wanted to learn. I wouldn't have been able to accomplish all the progress thus far without you and all the support you give me. Can't wait for more great lessons, impressive progress and gold star stickers.

(Probably) The most political post I'll write.

OK so I know my small opinion is not going to matter to very many people (if anyone), but I feel like I need to get this off my chest. So here goes: I find The Chick fil a controversy laughable. There, I said it.

At the end of the day, the First Amendment is there so that these situations can be brought up. And thank God for that. People have the right to say what they want despite whatever may come of it. 

 Despite the fact that I know that my opinion is going to be soon forgotten, I just want to say that I don't care what a person's sexuality is. I don't think it's fair to judge someone for something that's so deeply a part of them, it unchangeable. And by the same token, judging someone for who they are not only shows ignorance, but allows you to be judged as well. To me, the way I live my life and the decisions I make are no more anyone's business than it's my business who people want to marry or spend their spare time with in general. As far as I'm concerned, as long as you're a contributing member of society who isn't endangering anyone (namely small children), you could marry a rock if it's what you want. 

I grew up in Catholic school so I was taught the exact opposite of what I actually believe on most things. I was taught to believe in things that quite frankly, embarrass me today. Ignorance may be bliss but it's also a hindrance worse than blindness. I'm sorry if this offends anyone but it's how I feel. I'm not bashing anyone for their beliefs, I'm just saying there are always going to be people that do and say and believe things that you disagree with, it's part of life.

It's 2012 and people are getting upset because a Southern Baptist fast food chain that isn't even open on Sundays, shared a very predictable view on a controversial issue. They're probably pro-life too. I know, take a moment to get over your shock. It's too bad more CEOs don't come out and share their opinions so people can see the truth that obviously escapes them in their daily lives.

Despite my very strict and traditional upbringing, I haven't been to church in years, and I think the only thing that could make me go back is a funeral. I really don't think going to church makes you a good Christian, or even a good person. I stopped going because I had to separate myself from everything I wasn't anymore. I went to public school and felt my eyes open to the world around me and never wanted to live in a haze again. I don't consider myself to be a good person or a bad person for the things I've done or the decisions I've made. But I never felt closer to God or my faith (or whatever you want to call it) than when I was free to make my own decisions about it instead of having them shoved down my throat. 

If people want to boycott Chick fil a for being honest about their beliefs (something that is a tribute to their rights), that's their right as well and their business. But the judgement needs to stop. It's what's caused this problem from the beginning. You're telling me that you're mad at Chick-fil-a for expressing their views because it rivals yours? Seriously? It's just a never ending cycle of hypocrisy and judgement. At some point something's gotta give or we'll be in this same old barbaric trap forever.

7/20/12

It's taken me a few days to realize the gravity of what happened the night of July 20th, 2012.  Especially after aging my mom beyond anything else I've ever done: I went to that premiere but didn't tell her what theater I was at and she was watching tv as the story broke at 2:30 in the morning. It's a miracle she has her sanity and a full head of hair after worrying until 3:15 when I finally got back to my phone and returned her text and 8 missed calls. After getting off the phone and telling the friends I was with what happened, they texted/called their parents to let them know they were ok too and then we turned on the tv. A scene of terror and confusion met our eyes and overwhelmed us. The shock and nausea that followed seemed like a looming cloud for days.

I remember when Columbine happened but was too young to understand the true depth of it. Of course, I was old enough to understand when it was Virginia Tech, and found myself so interested in this particular phenomenon that I wrote a paper on it for my college English class. Even after all the research and the time I spent on that paper, I can honestly tell you I still don't understand why these things happen. It's completely unnecessary and senseless, and I'll never know what to say about it other than that it's a tragedy I can never pray enough that it never happens to me or someone I know or love.

It seems like no matter how tragic these things are they have an inexplicable way of bringing people and communities together. Not that this makes it acceptable or is supposed to be some sort of consolation. In all the hoping that something good would come of this, it seems like someone heard those prayers: Christian Bale visits victims of Aurora shooting, as well as the president's visit and the outpouring of support from around the city to the nurses, police officers and victims. 

As awful as shootings are, the human spirit has a way of mimicking a pheonix and rising out of the ashes and enduring. Hopefully the rest of the year gets better than the summer Colorado has had this year.

 

Here's something to make you laugh after the post that leaves me teary eyed and breathless:

 

BAT DOG!!!! 

AKA Bentley, the most adorable, grumpy-faced part of my summer.

 

Why am I the one

Recently, I had a confrontation with someone who I used to be very close to. And unexpectedly, right around the same time I discovered a new song that I find myself empathizing with wholeheartedly.

When I listen to this song, sometimes I feel like I'm the singer and then sometimes I feel like I'm the one the song is about. When I first heard it, it made me sad, but as I've listened to it more and more, it's made me realize that life is what you make it. Even though it's only been a week, I feel like had that awkward moment not happened, it would've taken me a lot longer to make this discovery. I wish I could thank the people that would otherwise be considered mistakes or wastes of time to make me and my life what it is today...

As my best friend's birthday approaches, I'm reminded of everything it took for her and I to still be best friends today. This song forces me to evaluate things the way they are now, and even though that seems to have a negative connotation to it, I promise it doesn't. I am so lucky to have a very good relationship with my sister, and two of the best friends anyone could ask for.

Despite everything that happened in the last year or so, I feel like I'm finally finding the way things should've been all along. And I have a feeling that while it's always subject to change, at least I know I have people who will support and understand me, even if it took a song, and a potentially negative moment to realize it.

"Or go on, go on, go on, if you were thinking that the worst is yet to come
Why am I the one always packing up my stuff
For once, for once, for once, I get the feeling that I'm right where I belong
Why am I the one always packing up my stuff"

A quiet July 4th, for good reason

I love the fourth of July. It's easily one of my favorite holidays, even as a kid it was a close second to Christmas and my birthday (which were naturally tied for first). It's a fantastic day in the middle of the summer filled with parades, barbeques and for us as kids, anything from sack races to carnival rides and of course lots and lots of fireworks. Even now as I type this I'm reminded of those sweet blissful childhood adventures on July 4th.  

This year, however, is going to be relatively quiet. We're not going to Nebraska or South Dakota to celebrate with family and all the wonderful things I listed above. And while I have a grocery bag (or two) hidden in my room and full of unused fireworks ready to go, I won't even be able to enjoy them because of the tragically devastating fires.

 

Trust me, if there's anyone who is bummed about a lack of pyrotechnics today, it's me. But it makes me sick to think that there are people praying they have a home to go to at the end of the day, every day for the nearly 3 weeks now, and people are complaining openly about not being able to light fireworks today. And this is only the Waldo Canyon fire in the pictures and video, there are about 10 others to worry about as well...

Incident	Type	Unit	Status	Acres	Updated
Pine Ridge	Wildfire	Grand Junction Field Office	Active	13920	07/04/12
Little Sand	Wildfire	San Juan National Forest	Active	24850	07/04/12
Waldo Canyon	Wildfire	Pike and San Isabel National Forests	Active	18247	07/04/12
Weber	Wildfire	San Juan National Forest	Active	10133	07/04/12
High Park	Wildfire	Arapaho & Roosevelt National Forests / Pawnee National Grassland	Active	87284	07/04/12
Treasure	Wildfire	Pike and San Isabel National Forests	Active	420	07/02/12
Lightner	Wildfire	San Juan Field Office	Active	90	07/01/12
Flagstaff	Wildfire	Colorado State Forest Service	Active	300	06/30/12
Springer	Wildfire	Pike and San Isabel National Forests	Active	1145	06/24/12
Sunrise Mine	Wildfire	Uncompahgre Field Office	Active	5742	06/07/12
Hewlett Fire	Wildfire	Arapaho & Roosevelt National Forests / Pawnee National Grassland	Active	7685	06/06/12

>>The information in this table was found here: http://www.inciweb.org/state/6/

I can't even imagine what it must be like to be told you're forced to evacuate your house because of a fire, and to grab the important things as fast as possible. I've thought about it a lot lately, but I still have no idea what I would grab... I know I would for sure get the quilt Lyla made me, the bear from my grandfather whose now deceased, and the bear that was my mom's as a child, the important papers I have in a portable chest, Oskar (my cat), my books and laptop, some clothes and maybe my keyboard and music if I could. But other than that... 

It's something I try not to spend too much time dwelling on, but with everything that's happened this summer, I really can't help it. I wish I could give a huge donation to the Red Cross for everything they're doing. And I really wish I could make the people who are upset about the lack of fireworks ogling find that there are other things that matter so much more than what happens after dark today. The fourth of July is meant to be a day of celebration for the freedom we have and a sense of patriotism, but to me, today should be an early Thanksgiving. 

Besides, fireworks can be easily replaced with the America's Funniest Home Videos marathon in your house, surrounded by the people you love. At least that's what I'm doing.

boyfriend wanted

I love pinterest. I'm not even sure if I'm ashamed of it. No, no I'm not. Anyway, while on pinterest I discovered this amazingness. Yes, it is what you think it is: Matthew Gray Gubler's blog post about his perfect woman. Too bad I fit very little of the criteria. But it's still adorable, and made me decide to do the exact same thing (no point in hiding it). So here goes...

boyfriend wanted

must love random adventures

pizza
star gazing

the smell of books and rain

and laughing

tall
handsome
with dark hair and eyes

preferred

tattoos and patience a plus

religious doubters or "non-believers"

cynics

sarcastic senses of humor

and good listeners read on

any similarity in look, mindset or fashion sense to

johnny depp

atticus finch

or bruce sprinsteen sincerely welcome

Must be tolerant of sleeping late

slightly reckless driving

disney movies  
the beach
dogs and cats
daydreaming

and classic rock music

i love surprises
have several nick names
am scared of the dark 
never drink alone
and always find time for fun

all I want is 

to hold someone’s hand
have a reason not to hate valentine’s day
and to never stop laughing

Books and bad habits

It's no secret that I love books and I'm proud of my continuously growing collection. My parents always had tons of books all over the house when I was growing up as a child,  and even now, there are stacks of books in their room along with full bookcases. And I never understood why since I loathed reading. It took me until I was old enough to figure out that I could read what I wanted, and not always what my teachers told me to, to realize that reading isn't so bad. And from there, it skyrocketed. 
I have an incredibly bad habit of spending copious amounts of time on websites like bookmooch and whichbook, most of the time, at the same time. Now, if you're not familiar with these sites; bookmooch is a website where you trade books with people all over the country, and if you so desire, the world. It's based on points, so the only money spent is on shipping. Whichbook, is a site I came across on stumbleupon and it allows you to search for books based on chosen criteria such as long or short, safe or disturbing, easy or demanding, etc.
FYI: It's rare when I've come across a book on whichbook that I previously heard or knew about. 
Anyway, usually my idea of the perfect day is sleeping in past noon and turning on the tv, listening to music and opening 2 tabs for bookmooch and whichbook and letting the day slip away "book hunting" as I call it. There are tons of books I found on whichbook that aren't available on bookmooch but I have them saved in my "wishlist" on bookmooch (I'm now up to 100 and counting). 
One thing about bookmooch that I love is that it links directly to amazon, and shows the current lowest prices of each book, as they depreciate with time. If I find a book that is particularly interesting, I have a hard time waiting for it to be found or available and jump immediately to amazon.
I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to getting books (practically for free) in the mail. There's just nothing like it. If I could sum it up, it would be that it's like Christmas year-round. Remember what being a kid and getting a new toy for no reason felt like? This is my sober adult equivalent. I have to say, I tend to find something's missing whenever I'm not getting books in the mail, the anticipation is so sweet. I liken it to the habits of a hoarder. I try to be a "glass half-full" type of person; I chew gum almost constantly and tell people I don't stop because, as far as I'm concerned, it could be cigarettes. And I'm not going to stop book hunting because, what's so bad about having a ton of books? In my opinion, an overflowing bookcase and stacks of books are a small price to pay for a "bad" habit.